Below is the conversation that preceded this posting:
Marly -- Hmm, what should I write about this week, maybe it's time to hit that Korean fried chicken place finally...
Diet -- Rubbish! You will not go there and that is final!
Marly -- Don't you take a hint, we're through!
Diet -- I'm the boss of this house, no new food experiences until you lose 2 more pounds and I don't mean British Sterling.
Marly -- Listen you can't control me Diet, I'm gonna squash you...
Diet -- Not if I squash you first (evil wringing of imaginary hands)
And so I, the Diet, voiced liltingly by Jon Lovitz, win blog-posting rites this week. My goal is to talk about food not in an "oh it's so delicious I must have some la la la" way but in a critical, gripe-filled negative way.
A list of food gripes--and my favorite picture that hangs on the wall in my office--in the style of magazine superlative lists (ie. Top Science Fiction films of all time) though here not in any particular order. Readers then send emails to the magazine saying "Yah how could you not mention X on that list you idiot!!!" Well feel free to do the same here, readers, though without the name calling please because even though I am a Diet and make you feel very guilty sometimes, you must know I've only got your best interests at heart.
The Planet Marly Fobloog Gripe List (2007)
1. I wish restaurant check holders had a change-holding area for people who like to give exact change. Instead, the server picks up the check holder and whisks it away and the change flies everywhere.
2. Personally, I think an omelet should be made with 2 eggs. Every sit-down breakfast place I know of makes gigantic armadillo-sized omelets with 3 or 4 eggs. Why, why?
3. While on the topic of breakfast, why isn't the default bacon preparation crispy? Is there any reason I have to ask for this every single time? As if I'm a difficult patron because I don't like eating warm raw fat.
4. How is the FDA protecting us by giving manufacturers of processed foods permission to list the ingredient "sugar" in countless ways.
5. At Gelson's when I buy chicken the chicken guy thinks he's being helpful by handing me a different pack of chicken than the one in my basket, and then he says "Take this one, it's fresher." To which I can only say "Hey thanks for letting me know you sell unfresh chicken!"
6. Why do a majority of frozen entrees add in red bell pepper where red bell pepper has no business being? It's only added for color! All those innocent frozen flavorless peppers, used for that one ridiculous thing.
7. Health warnings on Diet Coke cans are written in a secret language -- "PHENYLKETONURICS: CONTAINS PHENYLALANINE." Does ANYone (ok who hasn't done a thesis paper on nutrasweet) know what that means? Why can't they say what it means??
8. Did you know that even though Brummel & Brown margarine's claim of "made with real yogurt" is true, it's only dehydrated yogurt powder in there? No yogurt taste or benefit whatsoever. To which I say...congratulations B&B on fooling people on at least two continents.
9. Do American candy bar companies really think all it takes to increase candy bar sales is to create sorta-new versions of their popular candy bars by adding yawn-quality caramel to it? Get a clue.
10. I've been waiting for a Food Court to have an option of healthier foods that actually taste good, don't cost a fortune and aren't 80% iceberg lettuce. Yes I have found such a place in Santa Clarita, but that doesn't help me much when I'm at every other mall or airport Food Court on the planet.
Ok that's it! If anything's missed, please let us know.